Say You’re Sorry (Even When You’re the Mom)

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I remember the first time I said it to one of my kids: “Say you’re sorry.”

My oldest was just a toddler, and there he was in the church nursery at Calvary Chapel. He’d just charged across the room and tackled another little boy, like he was going for the winning touchdown. My son could hardly talk, and here I was wanting him to apologize. At two years old, he turned to play as if I hadn’t just spoken to him.

With a forced smile, I knelt beside Cory. I gently but firmly prompted the words that after decades of parenting, have become a regular part of our family vocabulary. “Say you’re sorry.”

“Sa-ree,” he mumbled. It was the first of a million prompts within our home.

– Say sorry when you take a cookie that isn’t yours. 

– Say sorry when you’re unkind to a friend. 

– Say sorry when your words hurt someone else. 

I expected to teach my kids those words. What I didn’t expect… was how often I would need to say those words to myself.

The Hardest Mirror

The day came when I realized the same words I was asking of my children were the very ones I resisted. Say you’re sorry, Tricia. Ugh. Do I have to? It’s hard, isn’t it?

It’s hard to apologize to your spouse, to a friend, or to a co-worker. But if I’m honest, it can be especially hard to apologize to our children. Because somewhere deep down, we wonder… does it make me look weak? If I apologize, will my kids think they can get away with more? Will I lose authority if I admit I’m wrong?

So instead, I justified not apologizing. I’m doing my best, I’d think. Or I’d mumble to myself. “That’s just how it is.” 

Even though I felt conviction, it was easier to believe this: “They’ll be fine.”

Have you ever done that? We don’t really want to humble ourselves before our kids so we brush right past a moment that needs repair.

When God Gently Turns On the Light of Apology

For our family, the shift came when John and I made a simple decision: we wanted to decrease the grumbling in our home. We wanted more kindness, patience, and grace. What parent doesn’t want that?

But here’s what we didn’t expect. When you start paying attention to the tone of your home, everything rises to the surface. I noticed my own sharp words and impatience. Broken promises, sighs, and frustrations slipped out when I was tired. And suddenly, it became clear: Apologies weren’t rare moments. They were needed often. From me. 

My kids weren’t the only ones who needed to work on this area. I did, too.

What “I’m Sorry” Really Teaches

When we apologize to our kids, we’re not losing face. We’re offering a gift. We’re modeling that humility matters more than being right. After all, people who love each other make mistakes, yet they also try to repair them

When we apologize to our children, we show that ownership for our own actions or words is stronger than defensiveness. Our children see how an apology should look and sound, and they discover that grace flows both ways in a family. And, most importantly, we’re modeling the very behavior we’ve been asking of them all along.

A Better Kind of Strength

There is a quiet strength in looking your child in the eyes and saying:

• “I’m sorry I raised my voice.”
• “I’m sorry I broke my promise.”
• “I’m sorry I hurt your feelings.”

These apologies should not be rushed or half-hearted. And the 100 percent should not be followed by a “but.” Instead, we just need to be honest about our flaws. And the truth is, our children know we’re not perfect parents. Instead, we’re parents who try to make things right when we’ve handled things wrong.

A Simple Practice That Changes Everything

Three decades after becoming a mom, I’m trying to catch myself more and more. When something feels off in our home, I try to pause and I ask myself: Is this a moment that needs repair? More often than not, the answer is yes. And those same words come back again… “Say you’re sorry.” Only this time, they’re meant for me.

What if today, instead of brushing it off, you leaned in when you’ve messed up? What if you modeled what grace looks like in real time?

When we say we’re sorry, we’re not just fixing a moment. We’re shaping a heart. Including our own. Then, while we’re working on ourselves, we can be trusted when we guide our children, too, no matter their age.

Apologizing To Kids of Various Ages

The way we repair a relationship changes as our children grow, because they understand at different levels at different times. Still, the goal of modeling humility remains the same. We need to make things right when we’ve done wrong.

• The Preschool Years: Keep it simple and physical. At this age, a child needs to see your face and feel your presence. Get down on their level, look them in the eye, and say, “I am sorry I used a loud voice. I was frustrated, but it was not right to yell. Will you forgive me?” A hug afterward helps regulate their nervous system.
• The Elementary Years: This is the time to connect emotions to actions. You might say, “I am sorry I snapped at you about your chores. I was feeling stressed about work, but that is not an excuse to be unkind to you. I want to do better next time.”
• The Teen Years: Use the “Neurological Bridge.” There is a fascinating benefit to text-message apologies for teens. Reading a message requires the prefrontal cortex—the logic center—to engage. This helps a teen shift out of a fight-or-flight response and into a rational state. A text like, “I’m sorry for how I handled our talk earlier. I want you to feel safe with me,” gives them a tangible word to process at their own pace.

The Foundation of Accountability

In my book Calming Angry Kids, I noted that a parent’s emotional regulation directly impacts a child’s ability to self-soothe. When we humble ourselves, our children feel safe enough to take accountability for their own part in the conflict. We are not just fixing a moment; we are providing them with the tools they need to navigate big emotions for the rest of their lives.

The Bible provides a clear map for this level of honesty. We are told in James 5:16 (NIV) to “confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed.” Scripture also reminds us in Proverbs 15:1 (NIV) that “a gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” 

A healthy relationship is not one without conflict, but one where repair happens quickly and respectfully. Modeling accountability is the most effective way to teach it, proving that grace is more powerful than being right.

What The Bible Says About Apology

Here are ten scriptures that guide us in the art of the apology and how we can apply them to our parenting:

1. Matthew 5:23–24 (NIV)

"Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift."

Application: Our relationship with our children affects our spiritual walk. If we have caused a rupture in the morning, we should prioritize apologizing before moving on to “spiritual” tasks or Bible lessons.

2. Ephesians 4:26 (NIV)

"In your anger do not sin: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry."

Application: This is a call to quick repair. Apologizing before the day ends prevents resentment from taking root in a child’s heart, ensuring they go to sleep feeling safe and loved.

3. Proverbs 15:1 (NIV)

"A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger."

Application: When we apologize with a gentle tone, we de-escalate the situation. It shifts the atmosphere of the home from one of defensiveness to one of peace.

4. James 5:16 (NIV)

"Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed."

Application: Confession brings healing. When I admit to my children that I lost my temper, it opens the door for us to pray together, which heals the emotional wound I caused.

5. Colossians 3:13 (NIV)

"Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you."

Application: Apologizing reminds our children that we are all in need of grace. By asking for their forgiveness, we teach them how to extend it to others.

6. Proverbs 28:13 (NIV)

"Whoever conceals their sins does not prosper, but the one who confesses and renounces them finds mercy."

Application: If I try to hide my mistakes or “power through” without acknowledging my yelling, I lose influence. Confession allows me to find mercy and regain the trust of my teen.

7. Matthew 7:3–5 (NIV)

"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?"

Application: Before I address a child’s bad attitude, I must apologize for my own. Taking the “plank” out of my eye through an apology makes me a much more effective teacher.

8. 1 John 1:9 (NIV)

"If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness."

Application: We model God’s character when we confess. It shows our kids that there is a path back to righteousness after we fail, which removes the shame they might feel for their own mistakes.

9. Ephesians 4:32 (NIV)

"Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you."

Application: An apology is an act of compassion. It says, “I see that my words hurt you, and I care more about your heart than my pride.”

10. Psalm 34:18 (NIV)

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit."

Application: Harsh words can crush a child’s spirit. When we apologize, we draw close to them in their hurt, mirroring the way the Lord draws close to us when we are broken.

So, are you ready? You can do it. It’s time to apologize.

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